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  • Fenella Trevillion

To worry about being Dead Meat or where to Buy Honey? That is the Question.

Managing this ‘surrounded by the Virus’ period is tricky. Yesterday, (14th April 2020) was a relief. The Easter Weekend over – that wasn’t easy, four days of being cooped up, trying not to think about last year enjoying the family, long walks and being by the sea and, avoiding asking the question of what does the future hold? What can I see through the next month’s haze of uncertainty – ‘be present’ I tell myself, enjoy the ‘Power of Now’ yet, I have to admit, it was hard!

The relief of being back to the new normal, up for 9am, reading the emails, attending a Zoom meeting, fixing coaching sessions, lunch and out for the daily walk, even a useful discussion with a psychologist neighbour (at a social distance of course) felt great. Phew, my internal world seems settled and even my computer difficulties sorted; then came the evening news. The lead in music and film reel to the 10 o’clock holds the usual excitement, my body is energised and alert; yet as one story of doom followed the next, I almost smell the fear. Numbers of deaths from Covid-19 gone up, number of other deaths gone up, numbers of deaths in care homes gone up, the economy is the worst since time began. As the human stories rolled on I realise that if I and my cohort become ill and need ICU treatment we will probably be amongst the group who might not have access to it; then I realise, I have just signed my lasting power of attorney saying I don’t want treatment if I am in a coma. Dead meat was the term that came to me as I wrote my journal, yes, dead meat - I need to be even more vigilant. No more swanning about, stay at home, lock myself down, even tighter.

This morning, having lightened up, the written stories come through, I read in https://theconversation.com/uk about sleep and what is going on after hours, I attend to the day to day email queries from my voluntary organisation that provides bereavement support and I notice a slight calm, a step away from the fears arising from last night’s news. Suddenly my attention is taken towards a letter about two porters who have died of Covid-19 in our local hospital, they like very many others are people of colour, even the virus is racist I think, how can that be?

My heart is racing again, and another discussion thread emerges on our virtual local community group ‘where can we find some wholesome honey?’ What a tonic. Ordinary concerns about today’s issues about eating well during this period. How centering, in the midst of this. Bringing back the focus to now, just notice. Just be and take the advice of Public Health England and then find myself looking forward to some peace with yoga and some quietness.

OR just enjoy poetry!

'Benedictus' by John Odonohue.

This is the time to be slow, 

Lie low to the wall, until the bitter weather passes. 

Try, as best you can, not to let the wire brush of doubt 

Scrape from your heart all sense of yourself and your hesitant light. 

If you remain generous, time will come good; 

And you will find your feet again on fresh pastures of promise, 

Where the air will be kind and blushed with beginning.

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